


Make Me Feel

by Nataeshumu



Series: And If I Cry? [2]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, I tried to make myself cry while writing, Implied Sexual Content, Jihoon’s.. well.. Jihoon, Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi-centric, M/M, No Happy Ending Fest, Past Lee Jihoon | Woozi/Yoon Jeonghan, Soonyoung’s in love, Stupid and in love - Soonyoung’s words, Unrequited Love, Verkwan Jeonghan and Seokmin if you squint really hard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-12 12:20:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29509602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nataeshumu/pseuds/Nataeshumu
Summary: How does one get tired of loving?
Relationships: Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi & Lee Jihoon | Woozi, Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Jihoon | Woozi
Series: And If I Cry? [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2167761
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	Make Me Feel

Soonyoung didn’t consider himself as stupid. But for the past year, that’s all he was. 

Stupid and in love. 

A terrible formula. 

Something inside him always hurts when he looks at Jihoon. No, it wasn’t always like that. Things just.. changed. 

Was he really too needy? Too clingy? 

He just wants to  _ feel.  _

He wants more than just double dates with people he never met. It doesn’t have to be extravagant, it just has to be the two of them. Him and Jihoon. 

He wants talks about life, how are you’s and what are you up to’s. He wants late night texts about nonsense things. He wants to laugh at the little stories they tell each other. He wants lazy days where they just cuddle. He wants him to kiss his cheek whenever he wants, hug him from behind to take him by surprise, kiss his forehead as goodbye’s and goodnight’s. 

He wants more than just casual I love you’s. He wants genuine ones, sincere and felt. He wants him to be his shoulder to cry on. He wants to be the one he goes to when he’s having a hard time. He wants to be able to lay in silence and be content. Without the constant worry that it’ll be boring if he doesn’t talk. He wants to love him without the constant worry of losing him.

Was he too demanding? 

Was he wrong for wanting more? 

“I love you.” Soonyoung heard from beside him as they lay in bed. Panting with their bodies covered in a sheen of sweat. The room reeked of the aftermath of their pleasure play. 

He smiled, “I love you too.” It was said barely above a whisper, but it was heard. He could tell as he felt the weight of Jihoon’s eyes on him, and when he couldn’t bear it anymore, he turned to face him. 

“You mean it, right?” Soonyoung asked after a few minutes of silence.  _ You love me, right? Not just parts of me? _

There was a chuckle. “Of course. I love you so much.” 

_ Then why don’t you want to put a label on us?  _

Soonyoung bit his tongue, he shouldn’t say that. He smiled at Jihoon, kissed him instead. Allowing himself to swallow down that damned question. Down to the pits of his heart, to that black hole in his chest. He was willing to wait.

“I love you more than how much you love me.” Jihoon whispered once they pulled apart, breath fanning his lips. 

_ Can you blame him if he fell for that? _

They didn’t meet again until after three weeks. Where Jihoon immediately smashed his lips against his. No words spoken. Straight to the bedroom where it was all pleasure. Still no words uttered as they navigate each other’s body. Everything was familiar, everything was repetitive. 

“How are you?” Soonyoung asked as he played with Jihoon’s fingers, both of them still laid on the bed. 

Jihoon’s response came after a few seconds. “Fine. Nothing special really happened.” Soonyoung closed his eyes as he interlocked their fingers. It was warm, Jihoon was warm. Comforting. He loves that so much. God, he loves him so much. 

“Well, I guess yesterday was kinda special.” 

Soonyoung could only hum. He let go of Jihoon’s hand and moved closer to bury his face in the crook of his neck. “Why was it special?” 

He felt his hand snake around his waist. “I got a place in that small apartment block near my dorm, I want to make it into a studio.” 

Soonyoung’s heart beamed at the news and cuddled Jihoon tighter. “That’s amazing, Ji. You should’ve told me, we could’ve gone together.” 

He heard a sigh, “I know but I was with-“ There was a pause, in Jihoon’s words and in Soonyoung’s heart. “With?” He breathed out, wanting to get over it quicker. 

“Jeonghan.” 

Soonyoung squeezed his eyes shut. Jeonghan, Jihoon’s first love. 

He tells himself it doesn’t matter. It was him with Jihoon now. Jeonghan and Jihoon were all in the past, he shouldn’t dwell on it. 

But everytime he moves he just sinks further in his insecurities. His mind flooded with thoughts of how he was no match for Jeonghan. His place in Jihoon’s mind and heart were secured, that’s how first loves are. But how about Soonyoung? What really was his place in Jihoon’s heart? In his life? 

Why couldn’t he tell Jihoon how much the thought of him not being enough ate him up. Why couldn’t Jihoon see how much he was hurting. 

“Wanna go on a date?” 

Jihoon raised his eyebrow, “Sure, I’ll call Seungkwan and Vernon.” 

Soonyoung smiled, his heart cracking. “No, like.. just us two?” He whispered, not trusting his voice. 

“We’re together now, I think that itself counts as a date.” Jihoon spared him a quick glance before going back on his phone. Soonyoung gulped down the lump in his throat before speaking. “Are you staying?” 

They both looked at each other. The silence around them deafening. Soonyoung started hearing his heartbeat as more seconds of silence passed, he could feel Jihoon thinking. Can feel all the mixed emotions in the room and it’s too much. 

“No.” 

  
  
  


Things were funny. Funny how Soonyoung feels like they’re on the verge of breaking up, when they weren’t even together in the first place. 

Something inside him hurts when he thinks of Jihoon. His heartbeat quickens and breathing gets a little harder. He bites his lips when his eyes drown in tears. Everytime he closes his eyes, he sees Jihoon. 

Jihoon and his beautiful smile. His melodic laugh. His love for music. Just- everything about him has Soonyoung’s knees weak. 

He wants to be the reason for his smiles. He wants to spoil him, give him everything he deserved and more. He wants to be Jihoon’s  _ reason. _ He wants to be with him until their skin gets wrinkly. He wants to look him in the eye and see it shine. He wants to love him until his last breath. 

But it was exhausting. 

It tires him to give so much without being given the assurance of commitment. He was tired of being unsure about his place in Jihoon’s life, it tires him because he feels so small and  _ unimportant.  _ It felt like he was stepping into a room, blindfolded. Like he was trapped inside a maze when everything was dark. He was so tired of succumbing into his insecurities. It felt like a never-ending fall, and he was tired of waiting for the crash. 

Why did he even get here in the first place? 

He sniffed as he chuckled, gladly accepting the tissue from Seokmin. “I love him.” He cried. “I love him so much.”

Again, stupid and in love were a terrible, terrible formula. 

“But I’m tired.” 

_ I’m tired of being strong. _

He just wants to feel Jihoon’s love. He doesn’t even have to say “I love you.”. He just wants to  _ feel. _

But Jihoon can’t. He can’t give what Soonyoung gives. 

How could he be so stupid to chase someone who doesn’t want to stay. 

He can’t continue running when he’s exhausted. That won’t be fair to both of them. 

“I love him, but I’m tired.” 

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> This series is an experiment on wether I can actually cry while writing
> 
> Please leave a kudos if you liked it !!


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